On Wintering

To Those Who Struggle with Winter:

You are not alone. Much of my client work has centered around the theme of despair that arises in winter. I want to share with you some of the key lessons I've learned that've helped me embrace and dare I say…even love, winter.

1) We have a comparison problem.

One of the biggest tendencies I see in myself and others is the predilection towards self-judgment. We compare our winter selves to our summer, fall and spring selves. We’re frustrated when we don’t feel the same exuberance and joy of summer, spring and early fall, in the winter. And when we don’t feel the same, we think there must be something wrong with us.

But here’s the thing: we’re actually not meant to feel radiance and exuberance all the time. Winter is a time for subtler, softer emotions. It’s a time for reflection, contemplation and stillness. And this version of ourselves is just as important. In fact, there is no radiance and joy without the inverse.

What happens if you let go of the self-judgment and shame you feel about not being your summer-self? I have found it makes things much easier.

2) We don’t have support for going inward.

I know it’s not revelatory to say: we’re animals. Even though we may live in climate-controlled boxes, we belong to this Earth. Its cycles and rhythms are an innate part of us. And yet, we are also members of a society that doesn’t support turning inward. One of the qualities of hibernation is limited productivity. As part of my own slow down, I plan to not work a lot over the next two weeks, which means less money in my pocket. I have to practice trust–trust that a period of leanness, reflection, and low productivity in sync with the seasons will yield future abundance. And just like the squirrels eating from their stash, I too subsist off my savings during this time.

The franticness that many of us are experiencing comes from the dissonance between our internal animal body’s need to rest and the external pressure to continue to produce, engage and prove.

I encourage you to surround yourself with supportive people who understand the importance of retreat. My friends know not to expect too much from me this time of year. And I have an incredible support system of therapists, guides and teachers who help me connect with my inner truth and harness the courage to set boundaries around my needs.

3) We don’t know how to rest.

Part of our high-productivity culture is that we work beyond our natural instincts for rest. One of the results of working beyond our own capacities is burn out. Burn out is a state of nervous-system collapse, when all stimulus feels too much. We become numb; either we can't feel at all or even good things feel overwhelming. Experience this for a prolonged period, and this is when chronic pain and illness start to show up. In a state of collapse, screens feel good but they don’t actually provide the nourishment we need.

We need to reclaim rest. Vibes: sleep, snuggle, make love, cook foods that take a looooong time, read, write, sit, walk, and gently converse one-on-one or in small groups. I love this time for reflection on the past year. This time is about sitting with the questions, not solving and coming up with answers. It’s a time for self-exploration, but not embarking on new endeavors.

Let the mind be mushy. Let the body guide.

I promise you…when we allow ourselves to winter, we all reap the rewards.